Why Does She Stay?

 

At my group counseling I met a woman, Laura Beth Young. She is the founder of Cheerful Hearts. Her website is www.cheerfulhearts.com, she is a writer, poet, and a Life Coach. She was also struggling with issues of domestic abuse and not being able to remove her 3 boys from the situation. She moved here from another state and was also disabled. She was in a horrific car accident when she was younger and had been bed ridden for over 10 years. She needed medical procedures done that she could not get where she was and that her husband would not allow her to have done. Through her process in healing she wrote this poem and asked me to illustrate it. This was another piece that truly helped even more in my own healing process along with hers. I completely understood and related to the poem and we were on the same page as how to create the artwork to express the power of the words. The poem is

 "Why Does She Stay"

Why does she stay when he treats her so wrong?

So many wonder and desire to know?

She cries out for help, despair in her heart

But has difficulty letting him go

"Why did you allow him to treat you that way?"

A question asked time and again

I do not know, the only answer I could find

Once the relationship finally came to an end

Then I reached out for help, support and relief

My heart torn apart, with confusion and grief

This lead to the road, of uncovering the truth

A complicated unwinding of the present to the past

Revealing the transparency, of a wounded heart

Desiring deeply that her marriage would last

She learns why she stayed, it is a matter of the heart

That was manipulated, twisted and controlled

She loved this man with all that she had

And believed the lies she was told

Feelings of fear, how will she survive?

All rummage through her mind

So she tolerates the treatment time and again

Not knowing how to leave him behind

Until one day she has had enough!

She finds the courage from within

And with the support of loved ones

Takes flight from that life

Thus her journey of freedom begins!

by Laura Beth Young

When we started the process of creating this piece, she wanted a little girl looking up to show the innocence that has been lost. We both wanted hands breaking through the glass, one that is fighting and still bound by the past and one that is free and releasing the dove symbolizing the freedom and peace that is starting from the healing process. Just as in the first piece that I did, I have the chains being broken in this piece as well. Both of the pieces that I have done that have been so symbolic in my healing process and have also helped others in their healing. I have received updates from my counselor telling me that the artwork has found a new way of reaching out to another one of her clients. This is something that means so much to me. I have helped someone else in their healing and becoming of who they want to be. The piece above with the poem Laura Beth and I donated to Hope Alliance, the domestic violence center here. I know that it has made an impact on others as well. For me this has been such an incredible journey. I have healed so much and walked the path I never thought I would ever get down. I have fallen in love and am with an amazing man that loves me for me and pushes me to be better and not allow myself to let others run over me, a man that has taken on the huge responsibility of raising my son as his own. I never thought I would ever be where I am today. Today I am happy, my son is happy, and we are finally going down the path that I can look back and be proud of and be proud of the steps I have taken and the choices I made to better our lives. For that I will be forever grateful. I look forward to creating more artwork that has such deep meaning and will inspire and encourage other people in this world to be better and heal their hearts. 

Continuing My Journey

At this point in my journey I was making great progress. In January 2010, I reconnected with old friend from high school, Nick. We have known each other for a long time, and what is funny, so many times through out the years we were at the same places at the same time, hanging out with the same mutual friends on occasion, but had never seen each other in any other way but friends. We started dating, not seriously, but hanging out a lot. We talked about everything, shared so much of our pasts with each other and realized how much we had in common and had been through many of the same type of situations in relationships, with our parents, etc. We got along so well and really enjoyed each others company.

I had started a new treatment in counseling called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) This is a process that takes the negative feelings and thoughts and helps neutralize them. This was, at the beginning, a very hard process to go through. I had a hard time separating feelings from the past with feelings for Nick and ended up putting too many of my feelings that did not belong to him on him. He was amazing throughout this process and really helped me focus on what and where things and feelings should be. He was very easy to talk to and express what I was going through and helped push me when I really needed it. I was falling too fast for him and he was struggling with the idea of a built in family. In May, we decided on a break. At this point I started running, deciding I was going to run a marathon, and was really working on myself. That summer, I took Carson's dad to court and that was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but got most of what I wanted and thought was best for Carson. He was only allowed to get Carson once a month, we switch every other Thanksgiving and Christmas, he gets him every spring break, and then 42 days in the summer. That summer Carson was gone for 2 weeks, the longest he had ever been away from me. This was the worst thing for me at the time. I really had some set backs and really struggled, but made it through it with the help of my co-workers and family. Both Nick and I dated other people during the break and in November he reached out to me again. I really was not sure about this and at the same time wanted it more then anything. We both had talked about how we compared each other to the ones we had dated and just wasn't the other person. At the same time I was still training for a marathon and had reduced counseling down to once a month, not realizing that running was like doing EMDR on myself. I had progressed so much and had really healed and gained so much confidence in myself and who I was as a woman and mother. Things between Nick and I had started to progress and on New Years at midnight he told me he loved me for the first time. 

The Process

I started with where I was at. Broken. I wanted to represent being stuck, being in a place that I could not leave, could not run from, I was chained to this place. I drew my hands with the chains wrapped around them and the lock with no place to put a key. I included many scriptures and words about abuse, bound, chained, etc. I think words add so much to this piece and I did it in a jagged font to add more power to the words. When I typed up the words some of them came out with uppercase on the first letter on accident, but this was a happy accident. On the middle piece I placed all the words with an upper case letter which was perfect to my recovery process. The middle section has a bridge and for me this represented me crossing over, going from such a dark place, a dark time, a time of brokenness to being healed and loving myself again. The trees are all changing with the leaves falling. Most of this piece is done in pencil, black and white. I added very little color but the color represents the changing of the seasons. In life, I believe we all go through seasons. We change, whether good or bad, we change. This represented the work I was doing to get better for myself and for my son. My little boy was my main focus. I was NEVER going to give up. He is my world and makes me who I am. The leaves changing completely represent that change. I also added the girl reading scripture. Church and my journey with God was a HUGE part in my healing. I read so many books that my counselor provided, to help seek myself, to help think about how I got to where I was and how I was going to get to where I wanted to be. There is a purple bracelet on her wrist, purple represents several things. First, it is my favorite color, it is also the color that represents domestic violence, as well as a symbol of royalty, for me that meant Jesus and his presence in my life. From the middle piece, I dreamed of where I wanted to be. For me that meant PEACE, happiness, being content and happy with me, who I am, as a mom, a woman, a teacher, who I am comfortable with in my own skin. WOW! How in the world would I ever get there??? At that time it seemed impossible. So to portray where I wanted to be no matter how long it took to get there, I drew the dove. A symbol of peace, comfort, joy, happiness. I included more scripture about those things that I wanted and more words in a soft blue. I drew the hands around the baby feet in the shape of a heart, representing my son and I, this is what I wanted. Love, happiness and to be the best mother I can possibly be for my son. This piece of artwork was one of the most meaning pieces in my journey I have ever done. I grew so much while working on this piece. I was becoming the woman I knew was inside me and the person I wanted to be.

My Journey

I have created artwork for as long as I can remember, but I'm not sure that it necessarily was meaningful to myself or that it came from with in. This semester has really got me thinking about my artwork and the meaning behind what I do. I usually have something that just strikes me and I want to create it, whether it be for my house as decoration or something that just inspires me to create for someone that I love or something that someone has paid me to create.

Until 2009 and the piece above was created. 

Let me start from the beginning... In May of 2006, I met my son's father, he was the father of one of my former students, in fact I had taught both of his children and did not know it. Anyway we started dating and after about 6 months his true colors had started to come out. I was starting to see what others had warned me about, but wasn't sure what to do. So I had decided to write him a letter and I packed my stuff to leave. He convinced me to stay, saying he would change, so of course thinking of the kids decided to stay. Things changed for a few months and then the rage and anger, yelling, screaming, calling of names, slamming of whatever could be slammed, slammed, the manipulation all began once again. By this time it was June of 2007, I desperately needed a break and left for 2 weeks trying to figure things out. I went to an Art workshop at SFA and visited my parents and my sister. When I returned I decided it was time to leave, I just needed to figure out how I was going to do this, and then I found out I was pregnant with my son. This made things 2000 times worse. At this point he did not speak to me for 2 weeks, not one word. When he finally did, he told me he wanted me to have an abortion. This was NOT going to happen! So for the next year we lived in the same house as complete strangers and things were worse then ever. I had a very hard pregnancy, high blood pressure that put me on half days bed rest, and he didn't care, he expected me to still do everything I did, still called me names and belittled me. His kids turned on me, life was hell. I hated who I had become, this bitter, angry, unhappy person, I gained a lot of weight and was just miserable. Due to my body not handling the pregnancy well I had to be induced 2 weeks early to avoid stroke, preeclampsia among other issues. March 17, 2008 my beautiful, amazing lil man was born, weighing 6 lbs, 6 oz, 19 inches long. My life was forever changed! It became my sole duty to protect my son as well as myself from all the abuse and issues in our home. Things progressively got worse and worse, before I new it, it was Thanksgiving, we traveled to my parents home in Austin and the final straw was pulled. He cussed me out in front of my parents. 

This day was the turning point in my life. I asked my parents to help me get out. We began planning. We knew I had to stay through the rest of the school year for money purposes and to not break my contract. At this point I started standing up for myself to him and his kids. I started working out and getting stronger mentally and physically. I started an "Avon" business to save money in a separate account so he would not be suspicious, I packed things when everyone was out and put them in a storage building. June 6, 2009, my parents came to my house for my son's, brother's graduation. At this point we fabricated a story about me and my son Carson, staying at my parents home for 2 weeks to help my mom with some remodeling. I literally packed all of my son's belongings right in front of him as well as the majority of my clothes. That following Monday morning June 9,2009

, my son's father left for work, as soon as he was gone, my parents and I started packing everything throwing whatever we could in boxes, my dad went to get the u haul, and we crammed everything we could possibly cram in the u haul and the back of my suburban. Many things were left behind, material things that can be replaced. The hardest day of my life. 

From this point on the recovery started. I joined a domestic violence group and I sought personal counseling. Fear had taken control, my son's father had threatened repeatedly he would take my son and I would never see him again. Every corner, every turn, every time I saw a vehicle resembling his fathers I panicked! Fear became me for several months, until I realized that just like everything else his father did, the one thing he did do was never follow through with his threats. I started seeing a counselor Jennifer, every other week and at some times every week. In August, I lost my insurance. I was devastated I would not be able to continue my therapy, Jennifer knowing this, gave me the greatest gift, she gave me 3 months pro bono sessions, twice a month. I was overcome with gratitude and relief. She told me I had come so far in such a short amount of time, she could not just stop our sessions. I was eternally grateful. I wanted to repay her in creating artwork for her office, but being a professional they can not exchange anything as payment for work. So instead she proposed for me to create a piece of artwork that would help me aide me in my recovery process. WOW! What a thought how in the world was I going to do this. So I decided I wanted to do a triptych, the first section showing where I used to be, where I came from. The second showing my recovery process, going through the steps to get myself better. And the final section showing my future and where I wanted to be. 

Now where to start. I did a watercolor wash over the entire paper, and then it sat there for quite a while, while I started to figure out how to represent my life of being bound, and abused and hated and feeling of worthlessness to getting better and finally loving myself when I, at that time did not truly love myself. I was truly broken inside.