Motherhood

One of the best days of my life was the day my son was born. He arrived March 17, 2008 at 1:57 PM weighing 6 lbs, 6 oz 19 inches long by C-Section. From the moment he arrived the love that I have for this precious little boy is beyond explainable. I have never known love like I have for my son. We have a bond that I never thought was possible until he came into my life. When he is not with me, I feel so incomplete. I love him so much! He is such a smart, curious, creative, little boy. He loves to sing at the top of his lungs, create his own songs, dance like nobody's watching, paint, color and create artwork like me, and he has such a sweet spirit about him. He is sensitive and loving. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am to have him in my life and that I am so blessed God chose me to be his mother. Although I did not paint as much on this piece as I have all my others, the moments in these photos are who we are. They are our moments that I love, the first kiss right after he was born, and a few moments along the way, we love to laugh and hug, I love his kisses he blows me and how even when he goes to my moms just across town, he wants to facetime me to say goodnight. I love this little boy with all my heart, and as I tell him I love him to the moon and back!

Bullets

Whoever came up with the saying "Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was an idiot! That is one of the biggest lies I think we tell. Words hurt so much worse then a broken bone. When you have been told time after time negative things, you start to believe them and it is even harder to start believing the positive things about yourself again. A friend of mine showed me a music video where the words coming from peoples mouth when negative were like bullets. I had been thinking on this piece for a while how I wanted to incorporate the negative words and when she showed me that video it fit perfect. The words shooting at me while I attempt to shield myself are words that he used to say or that I summed up into one word.... Fat, lazy, selfish, overprotective, unwanted, stupid, worthless, ugly, child, bitch.........

No Justice

This past August, Carson came home from his dad's with marks on his chest that he says were cigarette burns from his sister. As we went back to court again, we had the same judge as the first time we went 3 years ago. For whatever reason this judge pretty much has it out for me. I am not sure why or why he does not see his dad for who he truly is. Either way court was not what we wanted and Carson will have to continue to visit his dad. Until I can get my case transferred out of Williamson county I will never get justice for what has happened and will continue to happen to my son. This piece represents how Law ruled and justice was not served.

Praying Hands

This piece came to me in a dream. First piece of artwork that has come to me in a dream. This piece turned out so much better than I could have ever expected. For me it is so powerful! My faith and love for God and what he has done in my life has been the one thing that has gotten me through. I am very thankful that no matter what God has a plan for my life. Out of all the bad that I went through with Carson's father, I have my son and he is my world. Praying has been my outlet, it has been the one thing I can do when I can't talk to anyone else, I can talk to God. I am thankful for my faith and God's love for us.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I feel as if I am nearing the end of the negative part of this series, but as issues arise I find I still have more to create pieces about, but I can see the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" as we call it. I feel as if I am finally getting to a good place in my life and that I am finally truly letting go of so much that has not only weighed me down has come in the middle of my relationships. I know that I have several more negative pieces but I feel that I need to do some of the positive in between as to not get to down or go backwards but continue to move forward.

Anger

This piece is about all the anger that I feel. Mainly this has to do with my son's father. I am just so very angry. Even after being gone for 5 years I still have so much anger. It comes and goes but it is always there.
I added some of the writings I do when I need a release as well as a picture of his dad and sister. I scratched out their faces before gluing it on. The face is me. I added the wire, like my anger, it is locked away and it doesn't come out that often.

Abandoned

This piece goes back to my childhood. My "real" dad or as I call him my sperm donor left us when I was 5 for his current wife. I have dealt with abandonment issues for most of my life. Even though I have an amazing step dad, my dad, who raised us and took us in like his own, I still have issues. I have always felt that his family has never really accepted us and that we, my brother, sister and I have always been the black sheep of the family. All of my cousins all grew up around each other and in the same town, we never did. My "real" dad gave his parents, my meena and pawpaw, a choice between us or his new wife and him, my grandparents chose us. That caused major controversy and he refused to speak to my grandparents for over 20 years. He never had anything to do with us as we grew up. Then about 5 years ago they all made amends and became this huge family and we were still left out. Just recently they all went on a family vacation, to which they did not bother to include us. I have come to the point in my life that I am done with allowing this part of my family to hurt me and I no longer want them in my life. I have tried to reach out to my Meena who has always been supportive, but after my pawpaw died last October, she has gotten very distant as well. I hate that I feel this way but I just feel that I deserve better and I deserve more respect than how they have treated me. As for now I am distancing myself even more than I already have from that side of my family. With that being said that is what this piece is about. Being left behind... Abandoned.

Hate

This piece is entitled Hate. I have so much hate for Carson's father and how he treated me and how he treats Carson. I know that people say that you are not suppose to hate anyone, but after all the crap he has put me through along with how he treats Carson. I do not doubt that he loves his son, but he does not want him and only gets him to get to me, unfortunately. I have to come to terms with that he is my little man's father and according to the judge he has rights to see him. Until that is changed I have no other choice but to support my son and make him feel that it is ok to go up there. But with that being said I do not like it and I still have a lot of hate about all of this. That is what this piece is all about.

Trapped

This piece is about me feeling trapped and not sure how to get out of the abusive relationship I was in. This is a picture of me. I had one of my students take several pictures of me in this position and then I chose the one that worked best for what I wanted to convey. I then added real chain wrapped around and a real lock holding all the chain together. This is the last piece I have for now, but I have several that I have in my head that I am trying to work out so I know which direction I will be going with them. I will post more pics as I finish and work on pieces.

my shoe is off because I hurt my foot and and was stuck in a boot for a LONG time, I did not want the boot in the pic.

I really love how this piece turned out! I love how all of these pieces have been turning out. They are from my soul and have been so healing going through this process and I have found so much piece while doing this and like a HUGE weight has been lifted. I am very thankful and grateful for a prof that was willing to see that I needed to do this and she told me when I was ready I would jump off this bridge and dive in head first and create some very meaningful pieces and that no words would be needed. I think I have done this so far. I have so many more to do and no where near finished but a great start in my healing through art!

Unfinished Silence

I started this piece and then got stuck, I wanted this piece to be about silence and having no way out. I started to lose the hands that are withering away to bones and added more black to make it stand out, then added a little more color. It doesn't feel quite finished and I am not sure where to go with it. I had a suggestion of maybe a memory or something in the black, but nothing has come to me.... as for now it sits until something strikes me. Feel free to make any comments or feedback, suggestions!

not sure where to go from here....................

Anxiety

From the box and my story piece came the Anxiety piece. I wanted to do something that represented all my anxiety and pain from all the abuse. Here is what I started with.. and how it ended up after talking with my prof Future and her telling me that I was holding back and not pushing myself like I should.
(Warning this could be a trigger)

I think the finished product is exactly what I needed to create and I am in love with this piece the more and more I look at it. Thank you Future for pushing me to my fullest potential and forcing me to dig deeper and go further in my art!

New Artwork

This past summer 2013, I went to Junction, TX for grad school. I took a class in Artist Bookmaking with prof Future. Boy did I get SOOOO much more out of this then how to make a book. We had a writer visit our class for the first week and man did she not only inspire us but pushed us to dig down deep and really write about something that was in our soul. I, for the first time, really wrote down my story and then read it aloud to my classmates. I have to admit this was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have told my story before but not like this and not with as many details as I shared. It seems like such a blur now, but incredibly healing. After reading this aloud, I tore up all everything I had written and glued them down to canvas. I then painted on top of the writings.

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this piece sat for quite a while before I added the words "My Story" and the chains. Once I started the next several pieces I came back to this one and added a few pieces of real chain like I have to all the others. 

While this piece was sitting I was also working on a box. A artist book. As I started this book I had an image in my head of what I wanted to create and how it would turn out. It was a pretty box, with a shamrock, for the day my son was born, March 17, 2008. As I thought I was finished I took it to Future who looked at it and pretty much said yea it's pretty but why don't you beat it up like you beat yourself up on the inside? Why don't you do to that box what you do to yourself? This took me by surprise. I have had teachers push me in the past before but more on technique or whatever. The way Future pushes me is to create from my soul, from my heart, from the pain and trauma I have been through. Below is the box that came from the beginning of how it was made through being pretty to how I treat myself on the inside. In the inside of the box, I have cards that are pretty and colorful to represent the good that comes from the bad. I write on the cards all the positive or funny things that have happened with me and my son and boyfriend, Nick. I want this to be something that is continued and ever changing and growing and being added to. 

Serenity

This is the finished piece "Serenity" I named this Serenity because it has the original first part of the Serenity prayer, at the domestic violence center, women say this at the end of counseling. This helps us get through tough times and accept what we cannot change, but be able to start to move on. Enjoy!!!

"Courage"

Here is my "Courage" piece. I found the quote online and thought it was appropriate for the healing process and a piece for donation to the women's shelter.l. This piece was inspired by one of the hands that I drew and colored with sharpie for another piece I was working on .

"Hands"

Here is my finished piece for donation to the women's shelter for domestic violence. The first picture is the whole piece and then I have close up's following. Enjoy!!!!

This piece is a representation of Hands. It shows all the different faces of hands we have and how we grow as a person. We make handprints of infants throughout our lives until we reach adulthood, showing how much we have grown and progressed. I think this piece shows the same progress as we heal from traumatic circumstances and our daily lives.