Motherhood

One of the best days of my life was the day my son was born. He arrived March 17, 2008 at 1:57 PM weighing 6 lbs, 6 oz 19 inches long by C-Section. From the moment he arrived the love that I have for this precious little boy is beyond explainable. I have never known love like I have for my son. We have a bond that I never thought was possible until he came into my life. When he is not with me, I feel so incomplete. I love him so much! He is such a smart, curious, creative, little boy. He loves to sing at the top of his lungs, create his own songs, dance like nobody's watching, paint, color and create artwork like me, and he has such a sweet spirit about him. He is sensitive and loving. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am to have him in my life and that I am so blessed God chose me to be his mother. Although I did not paint as much on this piece as I have all my others, the moments in these photos are who we are. They are our moments that I love, the first kiss right after he was born, and a few moments along the way, we love to laugh and hug, I love his kisses he blows me and how even when he goes to my moms just across town, he wants to facetime me to say goodnight. I love this little boy with all my heart, and as I tell him I love him to the moon and back!

Bullets

Whoever came up with the saying "Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was an idiot! That is one of the biggest lies I think we tell. Words hurt so much worse then a broken bone. When you have been told time after time negative things, you start to believe them and it is even harder to start believing the positive things about yourself again. A friend of mine showed me a music video where the words coming from peoples mouth when negative were like bullets. I had been thinking on this piece for a while how I wanted to incorporate the negative words and when she showed me that video it fit perfect. The words shooting at me while I attempt to shield myself are words that he used to say or that I summed up into one word.... Fat, lazy, selfish, overprotective, unwanted, stupid, worthless, ugly, child, bitch.........

No Justice

This past August, Carson came home from his dad's with marks on his chest that he says were cigarette burns from his sister. As we went back to court again, we had the same judge as the first time we went 3 years ago. For whatever reason this judge pretty much has it out for me. I am not sure why or why he does not see his dad for who he truly is. Either way court was not what we wanted and Carson will have to continue to visit his dad. Until I can get my case transferred out of Williamson county I will never get justice for what has happened and will continue to happen to my son. This piece represents how Law ruled and justice was not served.

Praying Hands

This piece came to me in a dream. First piece of artwork that has come to me in a dream. This piece turned out so much better than I could have ever expected. For me it is so powerful! My faith and love for God and what he has done in my life has been the one thing that has gotten me through. I am very thankful that no matter what God has a plan for my life. Out of all the bad that I went through with Carson's father, I have my son and he is my world. Praying has been my outlet, it has been the one thing I can do when I can't talk to anyone else, I can talk to God. I am thankful for my faith and God's love for us.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I feel as if I am nearing the end of the negative part of this series, but as issues arise I find I still have more to create pieces about, but I can see the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" as we call it. I feel as if I am finally getting to a good place in my life and that I am finally truly letting go of so much that has not only weighed me down has come in the middle of my relationships. I know that I have several more negative pieces but I feel that I need to do some of the positive in between as to not get to down or go backwards but continue to move forward.

Anger

This piece is about all the anger that I feel. Mainly this has to do with my son's father. I am just so very angry. Even after being gone for 5 years I still have so much anger. It comes and goes but it is always there.
I added some of the writings I do when I need a release as well as a picture of his dad and sister. I scratched out their faces before gluing it on. The face is me. I added the wire, like my anger, it is locked away and it doesn't come out that often.

Abandoned

This piece goes back to my childhood. My "real" dad or as I call him my sperm donor left us when I was 5 for his current wife. I have dealt with abandonment issues for most of my life. Even though I have an amazing step dad, my dad, who raised us and took us in like his own, I still have issues. I have always felt that his family has never really accepted us and that we, my brother, sister and I have always been the black sheep of the family. All of my cousins all grew up around each other and in the same town, we never did. My "real" dad gave his parents, my meena and pawpaw, a choice between us or his new wife and him, my grandparents chose us. That caused major controversy and he refused to speak to my grandparents for over 20 years. He never had anything to do with us as we grew up. Then about 5 years ago they all made amends and became this huge family and we were still left out. Just recently they all went on a family vacation, to which they did not bother to include us. I have come to the point in my life that I am done with allowing this part of my family to hurt me and I no longer want them in my life. I have tried to reach out to my Meena who has always been supportive, but after my pawpaw died last October, she has gotten very distant as well. I hate that I feel this way but I just feel that I deserve better and I deserve more respect than how they have treated me. As for now I am distancing myself even more than I already have from that side of my family. With that being said that is what this piece is about. Being left behind... Abandoned.

Hate

This piece is entitled Hate. I have so much hate for Carson's father and how he treated me and how he treats Carson. I know that people say that you are not suppose to hate anyone, but after all the crap he has put me through along with how he treats Carson. I do not doubt that he loves his son, but he does not want him and only gets him to get to me, unfortunately. I have to come to terms with that he is my little man's father and according to the judge he has rights to see him. Until that is changed I have no other choice but to support my son and make him feel that it is ok to go up there. But with that being said I do not like it and I still have a lot of hate about all of this. That is what this piece is all about.