Freedom! Breaking Chains!

Chains are breaking and Freedom is taking over! I feel so FREE! I LOVE how this piece turned out! After reading for class about all the suffering others have done for our Freedom, our rights, women rights, Voting rights, and so much more, I kept thinking about how when we let go and let God, things start to fall into place and good things start to happen. At church a song was sang about how chains are breaking and chains are falling, that song relates to all the abuse and pain and suffering I have been through. As I was talking to a friend about how every time we share our story a little more healing takes place and how a little more of that weight we carry is released. As I was talking to him, this image just came to me! I couldn't wait to get started, once the background was done, I stayed up painting late into the night, something I have not done in many years, working as it just flowed out of me! It was so exciting, relieving and rejuvenating to complete this piece! It is exactly how I feel right now, so FREE! A huge weight being lifted after a relationship of 4 years ended, the negative being left behind and the positive finally filling my soul. I finally gave it over to God and let him be in control, as change is hard, it is also very exciting. I started back to church and praying more than I had, I had time to myself and did a lot of soul searching... At the end of August, I will be closing on my first home for me and my son, I just recently began a new relationship, with an old friend, one whom I never thought I could have feelings like this for, as we grew up together, one of my older brothers best friends, and someone that always watched out for me. We have kept in touch over the past 20 or so years, and when reconnecting and talking a connection I never thought possible would happen. I have never been happier, never had anyone that cares for me, shows and tells me how much he loves me as well as my son. Someone that pushes me to be a better person, that supports me in my education as well as my art. That gives me time to work on my art, with no worries, who has allowed me into his world with no strings attached. I have never met anyone like him, with the exception of my dad. I am excited about this next chapter of my life, with my son, my new love, and his 2 boys. This piece represents all of that plus so much more, and I have to give all the glory to the man upstairs, my Heavenly Father. 

Below are pics of progress, of me working on the piece as well as the finished piece at the bottom. Enjoy! 

Freedom!!!

 

As I was reading chapters assigned in my class this summer session, ideas were running through my head in how I can create a piece of art that had to relate to the readings as well as somehow tie into my series of artwork. As I was working on my last piece and relaying how we had to share with our classmates in the AP studio class how we came about this piece an idea popped into my head about Freedom! I thought about black surrounding me as light shinned down from above of God's love on me with my arms raised towards the light. A shackle from around my neck would be broken and falling off with chain attached to a ball with all the weight that I have carried for so long finally being taken away! This is the first time in so long that I have not carried this weight, I no longer have a heaviest in my chest, or anxiety weighing me down. So many good things and life changing events have taken place for the good its been my FREEDOM! This is the start of my piece! I will add pictures of this as it develops!  

Trophy

This past week, I was able to take an AP Art Workshop for teachers. This was a new experience for me. I had taken a Pre-AP class many years ago and knew we would be creating artwork. After receiving an email about bringing materials and trying to narrow down what I would bring in, I went to class. After a VERY LONG day of lecture about AP and the program our teacher finally told us what project we would be doing. She had all these little trophies at the front of the room and handed each of us one and said we had free reign to do whatever we wanted with the trophy. I took this trophy home and debated and debated what I would do with this trophy and how I could tie this into my series, and have more healing take place......

 

Thoughts, discussion with my boyfriend, and finally started laying out ideas. I started working on the background first. I took a cardboard box and cut out the largest areas. I had originally planned on drawing on just a brown paper sack. I had already crumpled up, re-crumpled, stretched out, rubbed on the table and anything else to soften this bag. I tore off sections along with newspaper I crumpled and black paper I had crumpled as well and started gluing down in a collage like manner. I then tore away sections of the cardboard to reveal the corrugated section. Then I started drawing in the trophy, I did not want I directly in the middle as the dark side that I planned on would be less the positive side. Then I added the hearts, one dark heart that had been broken, my heart that had been broken, and then whole hearts to represent the future and the love that I have, and will offer to someone someday. Then I was kinda stuck, I knew I wanted to add chains so I added a little bit, I knew I wanted to add survivor on there somewhere.... just to figure out where and how it would all tie together. I remembered on my phone I once wrote a list of all the issues that I deal with and how I most likely needed to create art about those... so I went to that list, its amazing what you see and feel when looking at something you wrote down so long ago and seeing how much you have truly changed! I played with a few words and wrote them down, googled some images to try to see if I could find something that inspired me. The dark side seemed to come together more easily and more quickly for me... then it sat... and I was stuck again.. I went back to my list and started looking for forgiveness. How can I portray forgiveness when I have not truly forgiven those that have hurt me??? Because I can ask God to forgive them for me until he has done the work in me for me to be able to forgive them myself. Forgiveness will always be something I will always be working on. I was running out of time and another classmate came by my station and wanted to know more about my piece. I started to share with him (Dale) my story, he shared with me scripture and then took me to his piece to see how his life has been changed through Christ. It was absolutely amazing to hear his struggles and how he was brought through and has changed so much. Such a special connection I made with another person in a short amount of time, I LOVE how God works and brings people together! Dale helped me finish my piece the brighter side, with many suggestions and ideas. I loved finished this piece, but I felt that it just wasn't quite finished, I wanted to add chain to this piece. So I have plans to continue working on this piece and will post pics of the finished product when I am done. At the very bottom is the start of the canvas I will be attaching these pieces to.



 

Body Cast Project!

As I headed back to Junction for another summer session, this year I took Glassblowing! It was so great to see friends from last summer! As people wandered out to the glass pad to enjoy an evening watching the glassblowers, my friend, Lynn arrived. I wasn't sure she was going to be there this summer. I was so happy to see her. We started chatting about the past year and what we had been up to, the artwork we had created and where our lives had taken us! I was excited to share with her all the artwork that I had been busily working on throughout the year. After talking about the last piece about my body, I told her that I wanted to create another piece about my body but that was in a more positive light. That's when the ideas started flowing, we were searching the web, and talking excitedly. She suggested a body cast, to make a 3-D cast of my body and that would serve as the mold that I would be able to make as many casts from as I would like. As the evening wound down and friends went to their perspective cabins for the evening, I couldn't help but be so excited about where this could take me! The next morning, at breakfast, I started sharing with 2 of my friends Becky and Corina. We started talking about how we could make this cast. Thank God for Corina! She had a great solution and was just as excited to do this. Becky and I made a trip into town to get plaster, burlap (which I found a HUGE sack at the feed store for $5, in case your interested) and a few other supplies we would need. Returning to campus, we set up, and began cutting the burlap into strips, the plaster was ready, I was covered in Vaseline (to make it easier for the cast to come off my body) and we were ready. Corina started dipping the strips into the plaster and we were off! It was incredibly cold! below is the process of how the cast went! Thank you Becky for documenting this process for me and Corina for getting your hands dirty and creating this wonderful piece for me! After the plaster set up and we were able to remove it from my body, I let it set up for at least 24 hours. Then I had no idea where I wanted to go with this piece. So it sat, and sat and sat.....

 

When I got home, a week later I started my second class for the summer, an online class. There was a project that comes with class and I really wanted to somehow tie in my mold. So I made a papier mache cast from the mold. My original intentions were to take old photos of both sets of my grandparents and then my parents and my son, and somewhat make a family tree. I still want to do this but have changed my mind about the piece I want to do for class.

 

I have many ideas that this cast will be used for, with many more molds to be taken and transformed into many more pieces to go with my series. I am looking forward to where this chapter will take me and the healing that I know will take place along the way. 

 

Weight Being Lifted

I think most women struggle with their weight, especially after having a child. I know I do constantly. With today's society focusing so much on beauty and skinny models, no room for imperfections and women with curves, it makes being a bigger woman harder. My whole life I have been told I need to be careful or I will gain too much weight. I have had too many people constantly throwing my weight in my face, telling me "I'm getting too big" or "I'm fat" as my body grew while carrying my son I had stretch marks form on my hips and breasts. My son's father would make horrible remarks about my body. All these comments have built up over the years, tearing me down, breaking my confidence, and making me feel so self conscious about my body. Over the past few years I have really struggled and put on some extra weight, now really struggling to lose it. I have lost it before but this time it has been much harder. As I look at myself in the mirror I no longer see the stretch marks as a negative thing, but as the beauty of carrying my wonderful little man. I also see I have curves and I am a thicker woman. As Nick tells me "I have someone who likes it" He has always made me feel comfortable in my body and love who I am no matter what size I am. He has never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed about my body, but has made me feel sexy and loved. I have learned the difference between someone who loves me verses the abuse I suffered through. I am so grateful to have someone that doesn't see all the flaws I see but loves me for me, no matter what I look like. Someone who pushes me when I want to lose this weight and is willing to work out with me, motivate me, and help me through the process. This pieces is letting go of the negative perception of my body, loving the body I am in and working towards the body that I am truly in love with, comfortable with and a body that I feel like a sexy woman in. 

Issues Basket

For my grad class this semester we looked at artists that turned baskets into art. We were challenged to create our own piece. I had never had dreams about my art before this series came about. Now many pieces have come to me in a dream, this being one of them. This piece is made with foil wrapped in plaster, spray painted black, added the chains and then bits of acrylic paint for the finishing touches. I love how it turned out. The black, darkness to is resembling the struggles and issues I deal with on a daily basis, that have slowly become less and less as they are released from me through my artwork, leaving hope, joy and love in it's place. The chains once again being broken but holding together all the ugliness that I have carried for so long. 

Love and Trust

Love and Trust is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I don't trust easily and when I do trust you, if that trust is broken it is a very long road to recover and build that trust back up. My heart has been broken too many times to count. My ex-husband left me for another woman, my "real" dad left my mom for my current step-mother, my son's father was/is emotionally and verbally abusive. So many broken promises, so much hurt and pain, so much negativity. When I met Nick, we were in the 8th grade. We went to high school together, hung out with the same crowd, but I had no interest in him. He joined the marines, I went to college, we both came home hung out at the same parties, with the same people we kept in touch with, but never together. In January 2010, I joined Facebook and he we became friends on there. I reached out to him and asked if he wanted to hang out, have a drink and we did. We were together pretty much most of the time. I fell for him fast, faster then I wanted. We both did. I still needed to work on myself and he wasn't ready for a built in family. In May, we took a break, saw other people for about 5 months. In November of 2010, he reached out to me and we have been together ever since. We had to build a relationship, we built trust in each other, we already loved each other but that love has grown so much, and over the past 4 years we have learned to live with each other, to communicate even when we are upset or angry which doesn't happen very often, but it does happen. He has helped me so much to heal from past relationships, working through the pain, the hurt, the negativity. He has shown me that he has way more patience than I do. He is willing to work things out, and is not quick to anger but stays very calm even when I am not. He has shown me how to be a very loving man and how much I mean to him. He has shown my son what it means to love someone even when they are not your blood. He is more of a father to my son than his own father is or ever will be. I can not be more grateful for what he has done for me and my son. He has broken those chains and built a life with me and my son, we have become a family. This is something I have always wanted. I can't wait for the day we are husband and wife, until it is official. I can't wait for the day that we find out we are having a baby and to watch him as he becomes a father to his own child and our family expands. I can't wait for the day we get the keys to our own home. There are so many things that I love about him and the life we are building together. The things I look forward to as we go through this journey of life together as partners as a couple, as parents, as a family. 

Motherhood

One of the best days of my life was the day my son was born. He arrived March 17, 2008 at 1:57 PM weighing 6 lbs, 6 oz 19 inches long by C-Section. From the moment he arrived the love that I have for this precious little boy is beyond explainable. I have never known love like I have for my son. We have a bond that I never thought was possible until he came into my life. When he is not with me, I feel so incomplete. I love him so much! He is such a smart, curious, creative, little boy. He loves to sing at the top of his lungs, create his own songs, dance like nobody's watching, paint, color and create artwork like me, and he has such a sweet spirit about him. He is sensitive and loving. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am to have him in my life and that I am so blessed God chose me to be his mother. Although I did not paint as much on this piece as I have all my others, the moments in these photos are who we are. They are our moments that I love, the first kiss right after he was born, and a few moments along the way, we love to laugh and hug, I love his kisses he blows me and how even when he goes to my moms just across town, he wants to facetime me to say goodnight. I love this little boy with all my heart, and as I tell him I love him to the moon and back!

Bullets

Whoever came up with the saying "Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was an idiot! That is one of the biggest lies I think we tell. Words hurt so much worse then a broken bone. When you have been told time after time negative things, you start to believe them and it is even harder to start believing the positive things about yourself again. A friend of mine showed me a music video where the words coming from peoples mouth when negative were like bullets. I had been thinking on this piece for a while how I wanted to incorporate the negative words and when she showed me that video it fit perfect. The words shooting at me while I attempt to shield myself are words that he used to say or that I summed up into one word.... Fat, lazy, selfish, overprotective, unwanted, stupid, worthless, ugly, child, bitch.........

No Justice

This past August, Carson came home from his dad's with marks on his chest that he says were cigarette burns from his sister. As we went back to court again, we had the same judge as the first time we went 3 years ago. For whatever reason this judge pretty much has it out for me. I am not sure why or why he does not see his dad for who he truly is. Either way court was not what we wanted and Carson will have to continue to visit his dad. Until I can get my case transferred out of Williamson county I will never get justice for what has happened and will continue to happen to my son. This piece represents how Law ruled and justice was not served.

Praying Hands

This piece came to me in a dream. First piece of artwork that has come to me in a dream. This piece turned out so much better than I could have ever expected. For me it is so powerful! My faith and love for God and what he has done in my life has been the one thing that has gotten me through. I am very thankful that no matter what God has a plan for my life. Out of all the bad that I went through with Carson's father, I have my son and he is my world. Praying has been my outlet, it has been the one thing I can do when I can't talk to anyone else, I can talk to God. I am thankful for my faith and God's love for us.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I feel as if I am nearing the end of the negative part of this series, but as issues arise I find I still have more to create pieces about, but I can see the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" as we call it. I feel as if I am finally getting to a good place in my life and that I am finally truly letting go of so much that has not only weighed me down has come in the middle of my relationships. I know that I have several more negative pieces but I feel that I need to do some of the positive in between as to not get to down or go backwards but continue to move forward.

Anger

This piece is about all the anger that I feel. Mainly this has to do with my son's father. I am just so very angry. Even after being gone for 5 years I still have so much anger. It comes and goes but it is always there.
I added some of the writings I do when I need a release as well as a picture of his dad and sister. I scratched out their faces before gluing it on. The face is me. I added the wire, like my anger, it is locked away and it doesn't come out that often.

Abandoned

This piece goes back to my childhood. My "real" dad or as I call him my sperm donor left us when I was 5 for his current wife. I have dealt with abandonment issues for most of my life. Even though I have an amazing step dad, my dad, who raised us and took us in like his own, I still have issues. I have always felt that his family has never really accepted us and that we, my brother, sister and I have always been the black sheep of the family. All of my cousins all grew up around each other and in the same town, we never did. My "real" dad gave his parents, my meena and pawpaw, a choice between us or his new wife and him, my grandparents chose us. That caused major controversy and he refused to speak to my grandparents for over 20 years. He never had anything to do with us as we grew up. Then about 5 years ago they all made amends and became this huge family and we were still left out. Just recently they all went on a family vacation, to which they did not bother to include us. I have come to the point in my life that I am done with allowing this part of my family to hurt me and I no longer want them in my life. I have tried to reach out to my Meena who has always been supportive, but after my pawpaw died last October, she has gotten very distant as well. I hate that I feel this way but I just feel that I deserve better and I deserve more respect than how they have treated me. As for now I am distancing myself even more than I already have from that side of my family. With that being said that is what this piece is about. Being left behind... Abandoned.

Hate

This piece is entitled Hate. I have so much hate for Carson's father and how he treated me and how he treats Carson. I know that people say that you are not suppose to hate anyone, but after all the crap he has put me through along with how he treats Carson. I do not doubt that he loves his son, but he does not want him and only gets him to get to me, unfortunately. I have to come to terms with that he is my little man's father and according to the judge he has rights to see him. Until that is changed I have no other choice but to support my son and make him feel that it is ok to go up there. But with that being said I do not like it and I still have a lot of hate about all of this. That is what this piece is all about.

Trapped

This piece is about me feeling trapped and not sure how to get out of the abusive relationship I was in. This is a picture of me. I had one of my students take several pictures of me in this position and then I chose the one that worked best for what I wanted to convey. I then added real chain wrapped around and a real lock holding all the chain together. This is the last piece I have for now, but I have several that I have in my head that I am trying to work out so I know which direction I will be going with them. I will post more pics as I finish and work on pieces.

my shoe is off because I hurt my foot and and was stuck in a boot for a LONG time, I did not want the boot in the pic.

I really love how this piece turned out! I love how all of these pieces have been turning out. They are from my soul and have been so healing going through this process and I have found so much piece while doing this and like a HUGE weight has been lifted. I am very thankful and grateful for a prof that was willing to see that I needed to do this and she told me when I was ready I would jump off this bridge and dive in head first and create some very meaningful pieces and that no words would be needed. I think I have done this so far. I have so many more to do and no where near finished but a great start in my healing through art!

Unfinished Silence

I started this piece and then got stuck, I wanted this piece to be about silence and having no way out. I started to lose the hands that are withering away to bones and added more black to make it stand out, then added a little more color. It doesn't feel quite finished and I am not sure where to go with it. I had a suggestion of maybe a memory or something in the black, but nothing has come to me.... as for now it sits until something strikes me. Feel free to make any comments or feedback, suggestions!

not sure where to go from here....................